Hugging – Julie, Zoe, Daniel L

So. You want to learn the sacred art of hugging, eh? Well it’s not easy, let me tell you. Hugs can generally be classified into 3 distinct categories. They are as follow:

1) The quickie. The quickie, true to its name, only lasts 1-2 seconds. Loose but sincere, it’s very when one is tight for time – for example, in-between classes. Variations include different handshakes as well. Another common variation is known as the “bro hug,” a one-armed or two-armed quickie between two guys.

2) The regular. The regular is debatably the most common form of hug (again, true to its name). It can be used on a plethora of different people in one’s life, including friends, family members and everything in-between. Regulars last between 2 and 5 seconds.

3) The embrace. The embrace is considered the longest category of hug and generally the most affectionate of the three. This type of hug generally lasts from 6 to 45 seconds. Variations include the “affectionate” embrace, usually between two lovers and lasting for an indefinite period of time. Another variation is known as the TALONS embrace. This legendary sub-category of hug can only be achieved by TALONS, affiliates and alumni and can range anywhere between a minute to forever. This is considered the ultimate form of showing affection to another, and can lead to other TALONS-related actions.

Evaluation methods

Quickie Regular Embrace
Level of firmness Loose-Firm Firm Firm-Tight
Duration of hug 0.5-2 seconds 2-5 seconds 6-45 seconds, or longer. Let’s be serious.
Nature of hug Quick greeting or acknowledgement Goodbyes or more formal greetings You love the living fecal matter out of them
Other details Ex. “Oh, hello friend. I didn’t see you there. Allow me to squeeze your shoulders to mine long enough to take a quick sniff of your delightful new shampoo.” Ex. “Hello friend. Allow me to put ourselves in close proximity long enough for me to take a quick sniff of your delightful new shampoo. Oooh, and another. Is that hints of mango I smell?” TALONS Embraces: Can last FOREVER. You love the living dark matter out of them. This is your only warning.“OH DEAR LORD YOUR HAIR IS SWEET AMBROSIA CAN I INHALE IT THROUGH MY NOSTRILS FOREVER”

A TEST: Is your hug sincere?
Must include at least 3 of the following characteristics:
-swaying side to side like a lullaby
-back rub
-eyes closed in emotional bliss
-crooning to one’s self or each other
-head on shoulder action

Known Amplexiliogists:
Daniel Luo: Specialty: The “Life is Beautiful” Hug – Everyone and everything deserves a chance.
Zoe Fajber: Specialty: The “You are Beautiful” Hug – Self-esteem boost and compliment, all wrapped up in a convenient hug.
Jonathan Zhang: Syyyyke. We got your hopes up, didn’t we.
Julie Han: Specialty: The “Koala” Hug – Hope you have strong roots and lots of yummy leaves. WARNING: More than one party attempting this at a time may be catastrophic.

Amplexiliogy: The study of hugs. Need we say more?

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